Knowing When Dementia Care Becomes Too Much and How to Ask for Assistance

In the nearby Veteran’s hospital, Charlie had a visit with his primary care physician last week. I’ve already talked about the wonderful facilities we have in Vermont, which is right over the border. (Read: An Honorable VA Hospital) The greatest medical professional I have ever met there is his doctor. He is aware of how anxious I am feeling as our position worsens and can see straight through Charlie’s assurance that “everything is alright.”

The doctor advised us to think about enrolling Charlie in the Primary Care Home Program at this time. This would send medical personnel, such as a doctor, into Charlie’s house to evaluate his needs, do lab work, provide physical therapy, manage his medication, and monitor his nutritional requirements. Also, they will assess his circumstance and suggest that he seek additional support from The Council on Aging and the Visiting Nurse Association.

My kids have been pressuring me to research Charlie’s alternatives for in-home care. They are able to observe the toll that the strain of taking care of him is having on my physical and emotional well-being.

I’ve resisted up until now because I feel like I agreed to go on this road when I said “I do.” I also somewhat resemble the “wolf” boy. I feel bad for asking for help when I read about caregivers’ struggles here on the website who are taking care of elderly parents and spouses in situations that are so much worse than Charlie’s.

I have no doubt that a lot of you are facing a similar problem. We are aware that we need assistance, but for a variety of reasons we are hesitant to ask for it and accept the assistance that is there and waiting to be given. (Find out why caregivers reject assistance.)

Much of my hesitation stems from the knowledge that Charlie would scream and struggle if I propose helping him take a shower or do activities to increase his strength and mobility. Also, he won’t like someone making a big deal out of his eating, drinking, and sleeping schedules.

On Wednesday, the Primary Care Home Team will pay their first visit. Charlie won’t likely hear about it from me until after I wake him up for their 12:30 appointment, I believe. If not, he will dig his heels in and resent having to get out of bed.

To arrange a time for their first visit, the Visiting Nurses Association has not yet been in touch with me. That one is the one I’m most afraid of. We could find ourselves in the thick of WWIII when they inform him they will be coming in to give him a shower twice a week.

To assist him (and me) with his care if he puts up too much of a fight against these ideas. What will come next is unknown to me.

There are numerous excellent assisted living facilities close by, so I’m thinking about it. A daily visit from a healthcare professional to aid with his care may also be arranged with assistance from the Council on Aging. While I don’t believe we have reached that stage yet, it is important to be aware that there is a possibility.

Charlie would then be transferred to a long-term care institution for veterans as the last stage. The one nearest to us is roughly a two-hour journey away.

I just looked into the prices of private nursing homes in the region and was horrified to see that they vary from $9,000 to $12,000 per month.

While I am aware that he is not yet ready for a nursing home, it is crucial that I start my investigation so that I can be ready for whatever may come. Due to Charlie’s 80 per cent service-connected disability, one of the veteran’s counsellors told me that he could be qualified for affordable treatment from that source.

I really hope that what I have discovered through my research might be of use to those of you who are looking after a veteran. I’m starting to understand that assistance is available, but you have to ask for it. Most significantly, the patient has to be open to receiving the assistance that is offered.

Unfortunately, dementia sufferers have no clue how much care they will ultimately need or how much strain it would put on their families. (The case worker also said that they won’t place individuals into families with a smoking atmosphere. You must have it in mind if you’re contemplating asking for in-home care.)

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